Little girl Crying, "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!". "Why" asked mum. "I cut my hand on a thorn and want the pain to go!".
Confused the mother poured some cider. She immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!"she whined.". "Why did you think that cider would ease ur pain?".
"Well, I heard my big sister say that whenever she gets a big prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider"....

Very good. Did you make it up yourself?


A duck walks in to a pub and asks the barman for a pint.
The barman says would you look at that a talking duck you should be in the circus!
The duck says fuck off I'm a scaffolder

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the taxi driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun." The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be... single, and two, that you are Catholic" "Oh yes Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing. "What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver announces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!" That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!

No IMF i didn't come up with that just saw it around and PMSL!

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
Because he heard he could pick up a couple of tight seals...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Fox, Fozzie Bear has better jokes than that I'd throw a tomato at the screen if I had one

You haven't got a screen, then how can you read what I wrote



A new study shows that women with big breasts are smarter than women with smaller breasts.

Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn't really listening.

I don't need one I'm virtual

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.



Intelligent women like that one.

I was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbour says up "You can clean mine next!"

"Ha ha!" I laughed.

Its bad enough I have to fuck his wife for him.

I've completed my repertoire of jokes, all I have left are knock knock jokes and couple of racist ones.

This is the greatest joke of all...






Are you ready...







Gird thy loins...

Damn straight. I hate that twat

Not as big a twat as him

Is anyone as big a twat as him

I'm still waiting for Ed Miliband to get caught with a rent-boy or three

Miliband is so dull you'd be lucky to see his penis get caught in his fly. Ah well at least he's an Atheist but as long as Ed Balls, and the femenazis occupy the shadow cabinet, Labour ain't getting my vote at the next election. Im still giving it to the lib dems just so that we can laugh when Vince Cambpell dies of shock after they win